Conflict in marriage is endemic. Because it is the coming together of two different people, each with their own likes, dislikes, prejudices, and quirks, conflicts are built into the marriage package. As famous evangelist Billy Graham once said: “For a married couple to expect perfection from each other is unrealistic. The immaculate ideal only exists in ‘happily ever after’ fairy tales. ‘Happily incompatible’ is a good fit.” “.
No human relationship can exist in a permanent state of happiness, and conflict should not be seen as a sign of instability or impending breakdown of the marriage. Couples need to master the art of fighting constructively and resolving all conflicts in a positive manner. A mature approach will increase understanding and trust, and strengthen your relationship. However, this depends on your level of commitment to each other.
Conflict areas:
o Finance: In today’s consumer society, money or the lack of it can lead to conflict. Spouses have different spending habits. Excessive or unnecessary spending by one partner can upset the family budget and leave less money for essentials. Entertainment, alcohol, consumer goods can eat your pocket. Similarly, greed will also trigger conflict.
o When a partner’s needs, wants, and desires are not met, there is a tendency to become irritated or argue over trifles.
o Domination: When one of the partners is excluded from decisions that affect them both, friction is likely to arise. Similarly, the procrastination of one of the partners on issues that require urgent decisions can be upsetting.
o In-laws: Too much interference or excessive dependence on the in-laws can become a source of contention. Unfair references and comparisons lead to fights.
o Children: Different parenting styles or lack of proper parenting skills can lead to heated arguments.
o Sex: Husband and wife have exclusive conjugal rights over their partners. Depriving a spouse of normal sexual activity creates a strain on the relationship.
o Working wives: Some women with high-tech jobs may not have quality time to spend with their husbands and children. Stress, fatigue, or overwork can take away their strength and put them in an irritable mood.
o Habits: Drinking, smoking, gambling or using drugs are frequent causes of conflict.
or social activities. Time-consuming parties or games leave very little time to spend together.
o Physical and emotional abuse.
or Egocentrism.
o Secret: Keeping important secrets from each other is a breach of trust.
or Infidelity.
The mark of a good marriage is not the absence of conflict, but how each spouse deals with the problem. Conflict is like an ember with the potential to become a flame, and if not put out in time, it can turn into a conflagration. The most important thing to remember is that this is not a battle between enemies. It’s just a disagreement between spouses who have promised to love and care for each other until the end of their lives.
“Many marriages would be better if both husband and wife realized that they are on the same side,” says Zig Ziglar.
The goal should be to diffuse the situation through a proper resolution, so it doesn’t come up again and again.
There are two options available.
1. The Negative Approach that will generate hostility.
2. The Positive Approach that will strengthen the bonds of marriage.
Negative approach:
– A partner personalizes the problem and treats it as an attack. Women are more prone to this approach. They withdraw into themselves and wallow in self-pity. Withdrawal can be physical, sexual, or emotional. Follow the breakdown of communication. This is a dangerous trend. A trivial problem rots in the mind until it assumes gigantic proportions.
– Angry reactions such as shouting, crying, abuse, sarcasm, insults or even violence are disastrous. The idea is obviously to hurt the other person while defending yourself in the blame game.
As Broderick put it, “couples who vent their anger and do nothing to get at its cause and cure are committing marital suicide.”
Positive approach:
1. Couples should never communicate when they are angry. They should first think things over calmly for themselves and then discuss the problem. Privacy is important. Discussions should not take place in the presence of your children or relatives, but in a quiet place where there will be no interruptions. They must keep in mind at all times that they are allies and not adversaries. There should be eye contact throughout the discussion. Respect for the feelings of others is important. Therefore, the tone of voice and body language must be appropriate. Listening carefully to the other’s point of view is showing respect. Questions and clarifications are in order. It is also a time to share one’s genuine hurts and frustrations. Generalizations like ‘You always find fault’ or ‘You never listen’ are not helpful.
2. The core problem must be addressed. It is important to define and discuss only the problem that started the conflict. Is the problem recurring? Is there a recurring pattern? If so, why hasn’t the problem been solved before? There should be no deviation to unrelated topics. Old problems don’t have to be dug up and recycled to score a point.
3. Finances can be a contentious topic. Bad financial clothes must be mended. It is important to budget one’s income. If the expenses go beyond the budgeted amount, there should be a discussion about the best way to cover the shortfall. Honest conversations about shopping, saving, and overspending will help. It might require lowering one’s standard of living or finding other ways to generate income.
4. Sex is an important aspect of marriage. Withholding sex by one partner as a means of punishing the other is painful. Sex enhances intimacy and reconciliation.
5. Spouses must take responsibility for their contribution to the problem. They must be willing to change their behavior if necessary. Acknowledging your faults and admitting your weaknesses will dissipate the tension. Sometimes it may even be necessary to give in to the wishes of the partner, even if they are not entirely pleasant. It is important to focus on what is right and not who is right. Compromising is by no means weakness. It reflects strength and helps to solve the problem permanently.
6. Forgiveness is the most important balm that will heal the pain of conflict. Couples should be generous in giving each other faults. It may not be easy, but it’s always better to get it over with and move on.
Conflicts in marriage are inevitable. Fault finding and negativity can destroy and tear relationships apart. ‘Do not let the sun go down on your anger’, advises the Scripture. With proper communication, tolerance, and compromise, most conflicts can be resolved.
As Alexander Perry said: “The ultimate test of a relationship is not agreeing but holding hands.”