One of the endearing behaviors of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is their love of arguments. Oh, those kids will argue about anything. If you say green, they say red. If you tell them to take out the trash, they’ll give you every reason you can think of and more why they shouldn’t. If you tell them it’s time to do a strong sit up, they can think of a thousand reasons why they shouldn’t. Whatever, they will find a way to argue with you.
One RAD kid described his fondness for arguing this way. He said it was like fishing. He cast the bait to see if mom would bite and then he could catch her. If her mom told him to do something, he would argue to see if she would take the bait and respond. If she answered, he would answer her and so on. The Goal: As with the other water torture behaviors we’ve discussed in previous articles, the RAD child seeks control and power.
Before we move on to a different and effective way to handle the argumentative child and maintain control, we want to see what might be good about arguing. I know that sounds like a silly proposition, and after you take a moment to think about it, you might conclude that you can find one or two positive attributes about arguing. I guess you’ve given it some thought and something has occurred to you. Here are a few that I have thought of. Arguing can demonstrate quick thinking, a high level of confidence, and determination. Certainly, the one who argues has a lot of backbone.
Now that we can see that there can be something positive in your child’s arguments, let’s look at how you can stay in control and stop the arguments. It’s really quite simple: don’t take the bait. stay in its theme. Your job is to ask questions to keep the conversation on track. So after telling the sweets to do something, the sweets will obviously, as always, argue: it’s not fair, it’s not my turn, you’re bad (my personal favorite), you don’t love me, or you’re always choosing one me No, no , don’t answer. Instead, ask a question, like “What do I want you to do?” Repeat the same question continuously while Sweetums keeps baiting you until Sweetums stops baiting you. Key to this whole scenario: Your voice should remain calm and assertive and not grow louder or angry each time the hook is cast. Engage in this process often enough and discussions will slow down significantly, if not stop altogether. The one in control is the one asking the questions.
So what could be the future of a child who argues? How could they use their argumentative skills as adults? Have any of the following professions come to mind? The lawyer, the politician, the salesman or the school teacher requires mental quickness, confidence, determination and a lot of courage. yes dear there it is hope for the RAD child skilled at arguing.
How do you handle your child who argues? Do you get the result you want? Have you asked questions instead of responding to your child’s pleas and questions? How has that worked for you? Please let me know what he has done and your thoughts with an email. I hope to hear from you.
We’ve tackled the five most prevalent irritating behaviors of our precious RAD kids in this series on water torture and ways to turn things around effectively. There are many others, some of which are too familiar to you. In the future I will deal with them on my blog. If there’s one you’d like me to write about, let me know in an email and I’ll be happy to oblige.