Many people, particularly codependents, often find it difficult to receive. In fact, codependents are more comfortable giving or even giving up than receiving. However, they wonder why they are in relationships with “selfish” or narcissistic partners. They may fantasize about receiving, but they continue to give and do not suspect that their situation is not only due to the selfishness of their partners, but also to their own difficulty in receiving.
It is a symptom of deeper problems that may be hidden in our unconscious. Until they are resolved, they remain obstacles to receiving true love.
How do you feel when you receive a compliment or a gift? Do you ever ask for a favor or help, or do you prefer to do it yourself? These are just small examples compared to being in a relationship where you receive love, help, and cooperation on a daily basis. These are some of the obstacles and beliefs that prevent us from receiving:
Shame
One of the main reasons we have trouble receiving is that we don’t feel worthy. We feel too defective, unworthy, or unpleasant. We may not trust people’s intentions or find it difficult to believe that they care enough about us to give or do anything for us unless there is a fair exchange. We think, “Why would someone do that for me or say those nice things?”
Shame also makes us reluctant to reveal aspects of ourselves that we don’t know about (that we don’t know about) or disparage. Particularly when we need help, we may feel ashamed of our limitations or feel “weak” and unpleasant. If needs, wants, or dependencies were shamed in childhood, then we learned to be self-sufficient and not ask or want anything from another person, a much better solution than feeling shame when we are vulnerable. As adults, we expect or entice other people to react as our parents did. If the early shame were chronic or severe, we might repress our needs and desires so much that they get buried in our unconscious. It may never occur to us to ask for help.
Control and Security
When we receive we are in a more vulnerable position. Imagine someone listening to us talk for a long time, helping us physically, one-sidedly pleasuring us sexually, or even taking us somewhere. Receiving requires that we trust in allowing someone else to have power over us. An abusive partner is insecure. If we have been abused or controlled in the past, being in such a vulnerable position could make us feel insecure even with someone who is not. We do not want to be judged or controlled. We prefer to be in control than to have someone control us. This is based on past dysfunctional experiences of being in relationships based on control, rather than respect and cooperation.
A corollary to this is the fear that we may be in debt to the other person. We fear that we are a burden or that we are indebted to someone who now has our promissory note. To avoid this, we may want to even the score and immediately give back somehow or pay for what we get. We do not believe that we have the right to say “no” to any requests that may be made of us in the future.
Do you ever feel guilty about receiving or feel like you should return the favor? This is irrational and false guilt. Would you rather suffer than call your doctor after hours? Free giving is a novel concept when we grow up with parents who give with strings attached or parents who complain or envy what they give and do for us.
fear of intimacy
Being vulnerable allows other people to see us and connect with us. Receiving opens parts of ourselves that yearn to be loved, seen, and understood. It softens us when we are really receiving. My heart melted when I received an outpouring of support on social media following a serious car accident I was in. I felt gratitude and appreciation for all the people who offered their kindness and care. In an intimate relationship, this fosters love.
When we are a “one person show” and do everything for ourselves, we feel self-sufficient and in control, but the price is loneliness and isolation. We do not realize that it is human to need and to give and receive reward to both participants. It is a natural flow of energy that allows for love, closeness and intimacy.
Training and Culture
Perhaps we were trained to be self-sufficient or learned that having our needs meant that we were weak or needy. In some religions and cultures, it is considered selfish or impolite to ask and receive. In Persian culture, it is considered correct to refuse compliments, initially refuse a gift, and rude to ask for one.
Our natural need and requests for comfort, love and support may have been ignored, rejected or belittled. These false shame-based beliefs can cause us to withdraw or behave in a needy way, instead of directly asking for what we need and want.
How to feel worthy of receiving
Feeling worthy to receive affects your entire personality and psyche. You can change your beliefs. It is the result of a recovery journey. Here are the steps you can follow:
© Darlene Lancer 2021