Yesterday I received an email from a devastated wife. She and her husband had been arguing and, in retaliation, her husband blurted out that he had “settled” when he married her and that he wasn’t sure she was the right person for him or that she was right for him. the marriage would survive. Needless to say, the wife was floored. The husband had never said such a thing before, and when he considered the way he had been acting, he suspected there was some truth to this statement.
I tried to make the wife feel better by telling her that people often say things in anger that they don’t really mean. This could have been the case here. However, the wife did not fully buy it. She said that looking back, she couldn’t see that their relationship had never been one of passion or wild attraction. She always suspected that he didn’t love her like she should. But, she never wanted to make a big deal about it and rock the boat. For the most part, they were happy enough from the start. It was only recently that things began to fall apart.
The wife did not know how to proceed. She was clear that she loved her husband and she did not want to end the marriage. But she wasn’t sure she could be with someone who didn’t love her and didn’t want to be with her. This was not the life she wanted for herself. She wanted to know if there was any way to move forward with any degree of confidence. I tell you what I told him in the following article.
Why the husband may have thought he had settled: I suspected that, like many things that are said in the heat of the moment, the husband’s claim that he had fixed himself might not be 100% true. Sure, he might have thought it was true at this point. But, many times, when people are struggling or experiencing stress in other areas of their lives, they will project their frustration onto the thing or person that is close enough to them for good: their spouses and their marriage.
The same thing is often seen to happen with husbands who are frustrated in many areas of their lives, as well as the direction of their marriage, and then proclaim that they are no longer “in love” with their wives. Yes, they believe this to be true and will often drive the wife away. But usually, with some very specific action and changing priorities, they’ll often change their minds pretty quickly.
This was quite possible in this case. Yes, the marriage had been a disappointment at this point. Sure, the husband may have felt unappreciated. The other stressors in his life may have contributed to his resentment that marriage had not been his safe place to fall. All of these things can affect his perceptions and feelings about the marriage. But, this does not necessarily mean that his statement is 100% true.
The options the wife had as to how to respond to the husband’s claims of “conciliation”: There is no doubt that the husband had deeply hurt the wife. She was reeling from this. And, she was almost inclined to walk away and give up. Self-respect can make you think you don’t want to push yourself around someone who never wanted to be with you to begin with.
But, I felt strongly that if the wife understood that the husband’s claim was probably just a reaction to his frustrations, she could see her options in the future. In truth, she could allow this sentence in one day to derail her marriage for the rest of her life. Or, she could see him for what he was and try to improve the situation and the marriage. Since she told me repeatedly that she didn’t want to lose her husband, it seemed the choice was quite clear.
The wife ended up calming down, returning home and telling her husband that his words had hurt her deeply. She offered to give him some time to work things out, if that was what she needed. And she told him that she just wanted them both to finally be happy instead of miserable.
The husband did not expect this reaction. That disarmed him and he didn’t know how to respond. He basically told the wife that they would “fall asleep” and decide how to proceed later. When he arrived later, I felt strongly that the wife should start some specific and quick actions to restore the marriage. As painful as all the “I settled” talk was, he provided the wife with important information and warnings that she could take to heart and might prompt some action.
Not all wives get this luxury. Many spouses will only tell you these kinds of things after the divorce papers have been filed. So even though the wife didn’t feel lucky, in a way she was. She had the opportunity to address this while they were still married. And even though she suffered, it was important that she see this as a window of possibility. After all, even she admitted that she hadn’t been so happy lately either. But, on the other hand, she knew in her heart that they were once a very happy couple. So now was the time to begin the work to restore what they had in the past and work through what they faced in the present and in the future.