I love Mr. Mafioso on AskMen. “Look, college boy,” he writes, “there are certain lessons that all the books in the world couldn’t teach you.”
It strikes a chord with me. I came out of college a college girl. It was a college in rural Minnesota, very academic, very intellectual. How academic? How intellectual? More students pass the MedCATS from this school than any other in the nation, or did at last count. It produces doctors and lawyers, but not necessarily rich; more typically employment lawyers and doctors from downtown clinics, or professors of medicine and law.
I think it appeals to more of its share of NFs – idealists (only 8-10% of the population). Whatever job the Idealist has, is a means to an end: saving the world. This is the college boy Mr. M. is talking about, and the college girl who has to learn to put on her Big Girl Panties, because you can never save the world, but you can lose your job.
When I left that ivory tower and got my first job, they saw me coming. Determined to be honest, brave, and true (and believing others to be), I got all the extra work, my “job description” expanded to match the infinite limits of my naivete; I have the worst team; I interviewed students in a closet; and of course I was ostracized just for good measure. While having lunch alone, I read a copy of “How to survive in the real world.” JK
What I did was be street smart. You know how someone in the office is doing better than they should consider their education, and you can’t figure out why. Then you realize: he’s street smart… he always lands on his feet, knows the score, reads between the lines, steps down when things are going well, can smell a rat, knows a good thing when he sees it?
It is Emotional Intelligence; what Mr. Mafioso talks about in “Street Lessons”.
It begins with the litany that all idealistic intellectuals cannot accept: “The world is not fair. It is not nice. Nobody cares if you get drunk, hurt feelings, or how hungry you are.” We are all in the same boat, alert us, and it is a difficult journey. “Everyone is trying to get a piece of the action, trying to survive. And the street is just as cruel to everyone.”
I had to experience this many times before I was willing to let go of how I thought the world should be, or how I wanted it to be. I eventually stopped telling my coworkers that I really didn’t know what I was doing, etc. after taking enough shots with a gun that he had loaded and given to someone.
Mr. Mobster then tells us the thing we least want to hear: that it’s out of control: you can be on top one day, wondering what the problem is, and then get caught. “For any of a number of things: family, work, health, divorce, contaminated spinach–“
Her rules?
1. Keep your guard up. This fits in with the “confidence radius” of EQ. One component of Emotional Intelligence is “trust until proven otherwise.” It’s not seeing the “otherwise” that gets us into trouble.
2. Stay out of arguments. Wait, he says, until they’ve worn each other down, and you can see who’s going to be the winner. As I said in my course Managing Difficult People, only “fools rush where angels fear to tread.” That quote was from a book he had read in college. Once I lined it up with reality, I was fine. Before that, I usually rushed because I thought I couldn’t BE a fool; I had a college degree.
3. Meet only when necessary. Mr. Mafioso thinks that only girls enjoy getting together just to talk; that Real Men meet only to make a decision. Everyone knows that… except your boss, right? The one with the Harvard MBA.
4. Meet people. But, he adds, that doesn’t mean they need to know you. Having friends means connections, opportunities and information, all good things; but do not reveal anything superfluous.
5. Don’t be too proud to retire. The next sentence is the one that hangs idealists and is often hard to dispel. Sometimes the only goal of my training is to get them to stop fighting on principle. If you can’t win, he says, give up, back off, go to witness protection (ha ha); Having a strategy beats bravery. I think it means “bravado”. And “discretion is the best part of value.” Sometimes a college education is an advantage.
Mr. Mobster ends by saying that he’s back in the bricks for him, “learning everything the hard way and hoping my son doesn’t have to do the same. There’s no cure for this thing called life, so it’s best to learn certain things from the beginning.” Nothing can really prepare you for it, but if you keep your head in a twist, you’ll suffer fewer ‘unfair’ surprises.”
KEY POINTS here about the child. When teaching your child emotional intelligence:
1. You are teaching it whether you want to or not, so be mindful and teach GOOD Emotional
Intelligence, not BAD Emotional Intelligence.
2. You never stop learning Emotional Intelligence. Get training.
3. Let them learn their lessons, don’t rescue them unless the house is on fire.
4. Better yet, set up the lessons so they can learn them while they’re still under your
protection.
5. Connect the dots for them about what you are teaching.
Don’t forget to do this; It’s the part that most parents leave out. As most of us ask our kids, “How would you feel if Bobby did that to you?” and “How do you think Bobby feels now that you spit on him?” But we don’t tell them that we are teaching Empathy, understanding that you have feelings and so does everyone else. Labeling helps demystify the things that baffle us most in life: the emotional stuff.
Tell them you are going to teach them stewardship, give them a 3 month allowance at a time, tell them it has to last, and then be there when they spend it all at once and have nothing left. Connect the dots for them, giving it language. It’s easier to learn this when you have a network.
Now, back to my NF client that I am training in Emotional Intelligence.
“I can’t do that,” he says, “it’s against my principles.” He’s preparing to self-sabotage… again.
“Look, college girl,” I tell her. “Just Put on Your Big Girl Panties” aka stress tolerance, creativity, flexibility, resilience, interpersonal skills, and the other components of Emotional Intelligence.
It keeps your head spinning.