We all say things from time to time that we regret. Sometimes these slips of the tongue don’t come back to bite us. Sometimes, however, if we mess up too often, we may find that this has an unfortunate (and potentially long-lasting) effect on our most important relationships.
An example is when our worst slips or hurtful comments are directed at our spouse, who eventually gets so fed up that he threatens some change in our marriage, such as a possible breakup or separation. Someone might explain, “I’ll admit that I can be impulsive sometimes. Before I know it, something will be out of my mouth before I can stop it. Most of my friends know this about me, so most of them just ignore it when I slip. But my husband can’t ignore it. And now he says he’s thinking about a separation because he almost feels like I verbally abused him. I admit that when we fight, I often end up saying things. I deeply regret that. And my husband is hurt by what I say. Sometimes, I apologize later and he seems to accept it. But now I realize that I wasn’t just ignoring him, since he’s now saying that we should probably break up. It bothers me that he says that I’m verbally abusive because obviously that it’s going too far. I’ll say things like I wish he was stronger in terms of his convictions and question some of the decisions he makes. I tell him I don’t understand his thought process. But it’s not like he called him stupid or said other derogatory and stuff. He says that he doesn’t want any child in the future to have to be the recipient of my wrath. I don’t think this is a problem. But even when he said that, I got angry and had to control myself. I don’t want to lose my marriage. But sometimes, things just come out of my mouth. How do I stop?”
Some suggestions: There are a couple of things you can try. For me, what I found most effective for this was to try to empathize and pause. I found that I was more likely to say hurtful things right before or during the breakup. At times, I would get really frustrated with the distance between us and what I perceived was my husband’s part in it. And yes, there were times when I used terms like “selfish”, “childish” and, I have to admit, even “stupid”. After a while, I realized that he was digging a deeper hole for me at a time when I was already apart and in a fairly deep hole. I didn’t want a divorce. But at the rate he was going, this was a very real possibility. So I decided that I had to stop speaking badly and negatively.
But it was very difficult. Often my words were a knee jerk reaction. I felt the frustration, and the words came out. Then one day someone suggested that I imagine words as weapons and imagine my husband being physically injured by those weapons. It was also suggested that I imagine my husband as a small and vulnerable child. And the reason for this is because a counselor told me that much of my husband’s behavior stemmed from childhood injuries. So whenever I got angry, I would imagine the words like guns being fired at my husband like a helpless and scared little boy. And to my surprise, this worked right away.
I think the reason it works is that it forces you to see your spouse as vulnerable when your defenses are up and when you’re more prone to tunnel vision. It also helps to take a deep breath or two as you visualize your hurt spouse. This short pause combined with the imagery will often be enough to give you time to stop and redirect your attention. Many of these comments come before we can stop. So we have to train ourselves to pause.
Set a more positive tone: I don’t think it hurts to share your intentions with your spouse to see if you can discourage a separation. I am proof that a separation does not always mean a divorce. But a breakup can be difficult on many levels, and it’s best to avoid it if you can. So you could try: “Honey, I want to apologize again for some of the things I’ve said in the heat of the moment. I’m so sorry and I intend to stop. I have a plan to stop that I think will work.” , but if I need to, I’ll go to therapy and get help to make sure I stop doing it. I am very serious about our marriage and I am sure that I would never hurt any future child in any way. I would doubt my claims, but I hope that if you give me a very short amount of time to show you, I can show you that I have the ability to stop saying things I’ll regret.”